


The Bucky Horror Picture Show

by IronicMyth



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Rocky Horror Show - O'Brien
Genre: Comedy, Crossdressing, Everyone thinks Tony is hella sexy, Explicit Language, F/F, F/M, M/M, Meta format, Multi, Musical, Not MCU Cannon, Suggestive Themes, crossover kinda, no pairs, no regrets, stage sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2019-01-21 00:04:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12444927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IronicMyth/pseuds/IronicMyth
Summary: The audience bustled about, finding their seats and arranging their coats as the lights dimmed. Once everyone was seated Rhodey took the stage in one of his nicest suits. “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We are very excited to present to you this performance. The Avengers have been working very hard and hope that the money raised by your tickets will help as we continue our research in AIDS, HIV, and their treatment. We’ve changed the names and the songs to match, since you are so familiar with Rocky Horror and The Avengers. We hope you find it as funny as we do. Enjoy the show.”





	The Bucky Horror Picture Show

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DrOlShakes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DrOlShakes/gifts), [sussiekitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sussiekitten/gifts).



> There are no pairings here cannon or otherwise except as musical characters, unless you want them to be. 
> 
> Faen is Norwegian for Fuck

“Tony, when was the last time you even did a performance?” Pepper asked, beyond exasperated.

 

“I’m pretty sure I put on a convincing performance for the masses every few days,” Tony said.

 

“And why do you want to replace all the character names?” She asked.

 

“It’s meta, which is in, and can you imagine it, Pep? It’s hilarious.”

 

“This is insane. You can’t really expect us to do this,” Steve said from his seat next to Bucky who was preoccupied with reading _Slaughterhouse V_.

 

“Aw come on, Cap. It’ll be fun and we’ll raise money for charity.” Tony looked over the Avengers who had humored him enough to gather in the livingroom of the tower. Pepper and Steve didn’t really understand his vision. He couldn’t say what Bucky’s feelings were but it didn’t really matter because he was probably on Steve’s side anyway. The same could probably be said for Natasha in regards to Clint and Clint was completely on board.

 

“Couldn’t you just donate the money and cut out the part where we sing and dance?” Bruce suggested. He probably wanted to beg but he did have his dignity.

 

“I could but I don’t see why the rest of New York can’t put some of their money toward the greater good. I’ve also wanted to do this since I was in college and there are more than enough of us for all the main parts,” Tony said.

 

“The greater good would have been you never even suggesting this.” Bruce grumbled.

 

“I don’t know, sounds like a good show. I’ll come if you’re all brave enough to get on stage,” Fury said as he poured himself a finger of whiskey at the bar and passed it to Coulson before pouring a second for himself.

 

“I’ve spent plenty of time on stage. I’m not crazy about the idea of doing it again,” Steve retorted.

 

Fury looked from him to the group at large. “Has he even seen the show before? Does he have any idea?”

 

“He’s never seen it,” Natasha admitted. Everyone side-eyed Steve in disappointment like experienced high-schoolers looking at a virgin. Even Bucky looked up from his book to shake his head mildly.  

 

“Even better,” Fury said, “We’ll do it for Halloween. I’ll gather some agents to fill in the rest of the slots.”

 

Tony clapped his hands, his face all sunshine and smiles. “Excellent! JARVIS, please, distribute our rolls. I asked him to choose our characters based on his knowledge of us. This way the best person will be chosen for the part and we won’t bicker.”

 

“Wait a minute-,” Bruce tried to say.

 

“Nope, no, no, nope,” Peter said, as he ran to the patio and jumped off, swinging away into the distance.

 

“Not to worry,” JARVIS said. “I did not include Mr. Parker. After the unpleasantness of that musical, I assume he has no desire to appear on stage.”

 

There were uncontrollable snickers and groans as everyone remembered the absolute disaster that was the Spider-Man musical. “To begin, Sam Wilson will be in charge of costumes. James Rhodes will be the director.”

 

Rhodey’s face slowly grew into the most radiant, if suspiciously vicious, smile: “This is my moment.”

 

Sam didn’t seem excited about his position, but as he thought about it he seemed to gain enthusiasm.

 

“Vision and Wanda will contribute toward props. Ms. Darcy Lewis has agreed to play her part. As will Agent Hill.”

 

“Yeah, she will,” Fury said, doing his best not to laugh.

 

“Darcy already said yes, how long have you been planning this?” asked Clint.

 

“Only a couple of months,” Tony said.

 

“Wait a minute,” Bruce said, a distant look on his face that was quickly overcome by a look of realization. “We’re short on women.”

 

“If you’re talking about the Avengers, I agree. We are very male dominant, why do you think that is?” Tony asked.

 

“No! We’re going to be short on women for the female parts!”

 

“I don’t see how that’s a problem.”

 

~

 

The audience bustled about, finding their seats and arranging their coats as the lights dimmed. Once everyone was seated Rhodey took the stage in one of his nicest suits. “Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We are very excited to present to you this performance. The Avengers have been working very hard and hope that the money raised by your tickets will help as we continue our research in AIDS, HIV, and their treatment. We’ve changed the names and the songs to match, since you are so familiar with the play and The Avengers. Enjoy the show.”

 

The lights dimmed, casting the theater in darkness but for the low glowing red of the EXIT signs. The heavy velvet curtains part behind Rhodey, revealing a church in the background. Rhodey begins singing the Rocky Horror Picture opening number, replacing the names where necessary.  

 

When the song ended, lights illuminated the stage more fully. Rhodey turned to join a group of attendants who were gushing over a bride in white while a small group of solemn faced church organizers stood in the back. Thor, a towering figure in a tux and fake glasses, took center stage beside a short curvy woman dressed to match.

 

“Well, I guess we really did it, huh?” Darcy said excitedly.  

 

Thor clapped his hand on the groom’s back a little too hard but in good humor: “You and Maria have been nearly inseparable since you met in Dr. Coulson’s course.” Thor was clearly doing his best to present an authentic performance but still smiled a little too much. Natasha had said that it fit his character of the happy buffoon, so no one bothered to coach him on it.

 

“To tell you the truth, Thor, she was the only reason I _came_ in the first place,” Darcy said, giving him a playful bump with her elbow.

 

Usually a very distinguished agent, Maria wore a white wedding gown that one of the Avengers had pulled over her head- something she had assumed only her mother could force her to wear. Her face and voice maintained their stiff repertoire as she called the others around her so that she could throw a fake bouquet during what she hoped was the closest she would ever get to having a wedding.

 

Steve caught the bouquet, displaying all the joy and excitement he had seen on young women’s faces at the few weddings he’d been too. He might have been overselling it a bit with the jumping, but no one tells Captain America he can’t jump in joy with a hand full of flowers.

 

He shouted, “I got it! I got it!”

 

The groom patted Thor on the shoulder more gently than the man had her- not that she was really trying to match his strength- and said, “Hey, big fella, looks like you’re next! See ya!”

 

The newly married couple walked away together and the wedding guests followed, throwing flower petals at them as they went, leaving Thor and Steve on stage. Thor approached Steve, all smiles and feigned awkwardness. Steve smiled in return, “Thor, wasn’t it wonderful? Didn’t Maria look radiantly beautiful? Just an hour ago she was plain old Maria Hill. And now she’s Mrs. Darcy Lewis.”

 

Thor looked away from his besotted love. “Yes, Steven. Darcy’s a lucky woman.”

 

“Yes,” Steve answered, hopefulness in his voice.

 

“Everyone knows that Maria’s a wonderful agent. Um, cook.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Darcy will be graduating in a year, you know... Hey, Steve,” Thor said, trying his hardest to remember how to speak as an American Midgardian.

 

“Yes, Thor?” Steve replied, clutching the flowers in one hand as he fixed the lapel of his pastel purple suit with the other.

 

“I’ve got something to say. I really loved the skillfulness you displayed when you beat the others to the bridal bouquet.”

 

Steve feigned a blush and Thor gripped his shoulders briefly before prancing? Galavanting? Some silly and energetic verb executed by the most naturally grandiose person alive, that brought him across the stage and to the church doors.

 

“Thrym was smart but I was deceivin’-”

 

“Steven,” the sallow faced church organizers chorused out from their places near the door.

 

“The future is ours, let’s get weavin’-”

 

“Steven.”

 

“This play is strangely Shakespearian-”

 

“Steven.”

 

“Faen, Steven, I love you!” Steve ran to Thor, intending to plant a kiss on the sculpted blond but this was also Thor’s second favorite song in the whole performance. As soon as Steve’s feet landed in front of him the Norseman was off again, not quite dancing or prancing but very happy to be singing and moving at the same time.

 

“The road to Asgard is long and even-”

 

“Steven.”

 

“I fell from the sky and won’t be leavin’-”

 

“Steven.”

 

“My heart is your’s so start believin’”

 

“Steven.”

 

“I have one thing to say and that’s: Faen, Steven, I love you!”

 

Steven ran to his partner, who picked up the hulking hero without a thought and spun him around in joy. Once on his feet again, Steve recovered from the eternally strange sensation of being small again quickly enough to show excitement when Thor dropped to a knee and presented a ring.

 

“Here’s a ring to prove that I’m no trickster. There are three ways love can grow. Good, bad, or mediocre.” The pair fumbled with the ring, nearly losing it for real before Thor grabbed hold and shoved it onto Steve’s finger. “Oh S-T-E-V-E-N, I love you so!”

 

“OH!” Steve yelled in joy, abandoning his new fiance. The crowd broke into uproarious laughter and applause while the song continued. “This is bigger than Maria’s, must have cost so much more!”

 

“Oh, Thor,” the organizers sang regretfully as they went about sweeping up the flower petals from the wedding.

 

“Now I’m engaged to the one I adore.”

 

“Oh, Thor.”

 

“This will be even better than before.”

 

“Oh, Thor.”

 

“Thor, amore. Oh, Thor,” Steve sang adoringly as the couple linked arms and practiced walking down the aisle toward the audience.

 

“Oh faen,” Thor said, still somehow coming across as lovingly.

 

“Amore.”

 

“Oh, Steven, I love you too!”

 

“There’s one thing left to do. Ah-oooh!” the couple sang, feeling silly.

 

“And that’s go see our friend, Dr. Coulson.”

 

“Steven,” the organizers sang, almost conveying caution.

 

“Are you ready for this expedition?”

 

“Steven.”

 

“Faen, Steven,” Thor said, clasping his hands once again.

 

“Oh, Thor, amore.”

 

Their voices rang clearly, “I. Love. You.”

 

The song ended with a chaste kiss between the two heroes. The stage darkened, the curtains closed, then came alight again, this time there is a plush armchair in which sat Nick Fury dressed in a well pressed suit and neckerchief. He was smoking his cigar mildly, actually enjoying it before he addressed his audience.

 

“I would like, if I may,” he said, the same way he speaks to… pretty much everyone- In a tone that conveyed he was going to do whatever the hell he wanted. “...to take you on a strange journey.”

 

Fury lifted a folder for them to see, opening it on his lap as he continued. “It was a normal night when Thor Odinson and his fiance, Steve Rogers,” he paused for a moment as the crowd whooped. He had said this line a few times but it never became less strange, “two _apparently_ _young_ , strong men left New York that late November evening to visit Dr. Phillip Coulson, their ex-handler and now friend to both of them. It’s true, there were dark storm clouds. Heavy, black and pendulous…,” Fury looked out over the audience, daring them to laugh, “toward which they were driving. It is also true that their spare tire was busted and in need of replacement. But they, being who they are, weren’t going to let a storm spoil their plans. It was a night they were going to remember for a very long time.”

 

He snapped the folder closed somehow, despite it being thin and completely made of paper, and the stage was dark again. A soft blue light showed trees and a car driving down a road with Steve in a pink buttondown and white sweater at the driver’s seat. The sound of rain and wind filled the auditorium, accompanied by the occasional flash of light.

 

Nixon’s resignation speech is heard much lower, coming from the car. Thor, wearing a simple blue outfit which is crying desperately for freedom, munches on some candy as a motorcycle rolls past. Steve watched it go, remarking, “That’s the third motorcyclist that’s passed us. They sure do take their lives in their hands.”

 

“Yes, Steve,” Thor replied, throwing his temporary fiance a glance, “Life’s pretty cheap to that type.”

 

Steve looked back at him, smiling a knowing smile. They approached a Dead End sign that rose up from the pits. Thor said, “Looks like we missed a road mark a few miles behind.”

 

Steve gave a dejected, “Oh, no.”

 

“We’ll just have to turn around,” Thor said, as Steve turned to look behind him, imitating the maneuver of backing up. A loud pop played over the speakers. “We must have a blow out. I knew I should have replaced that tire. I will go for help.”

 

“Let me go with you,” Steve offered. No matter how many times they told him it was in the script, Thor couldn’t understand why there would be any worry over him making his way through a storm. The Avengers had thus conceded the point and cut the script a few lines short. Besides, the wet joke didn’t quite have the same punch with two men.

 

“Of course, I believe there was a castle a few miles back. Perhaps they have a telephone we can use.”

 

“Besides, I couldn’t let you go alone. What if the owner is a beautiful woman that will steal you away from me?” Steve joked without really joking at all. The couple wandered off into the night, clutching their coats around them singing _There’s A Light_.

 

In a corner of the stage, a spotlight illuminated the sitting figure of Nick Fury, still in his chair while the storm was put on pause: “It seemed that fortune had smiled on Thor and Steve and that they had managed to find help. Or had they?”

 

The spotlight went out and the blue light revealed Thor and Steve now standing in front of a pair of large wooden doors. The sounds of rain and thunder still played loudly.

 

Steve shook as though he were cold. “Thor, let’s go back. I’m cold and I’m frightened.”

 

“Just a moment, Steven. They may have a phone, our communication devices do not work due to our remote location and the storm.” Thor knocked on the door.

 

A moment later, a very attractive hunchback wearing a sleeveless suit answered, hanging slightly from the door he had left closed to better emphasise his bare arms. “Hello,” he drawled.

 

Thor recovered from the surprise of those arms. He wrapped his own around Steve’s broad shoulders and said, “Hi! My name is Thor Odinson. This is my fiance, Steve Rogers. I wondered if you might help us. Our vehicle has broken down. Could we use your phone?”

 

Clint stared at the pair, which really wasn’t that hard because seeing those two blond, muscle gods all cuddly was both admittedly arousing and very strange. He said blankly, “You’re wet.”

 

“Yes, it’s raining,” Steve helpfully pointed out.

 

“Oh. I think, perhaps, you better both come inside.” He maked room for them to pass through the doorway he had been blocking and they shuffled inside.

 

“You’re too kind,” Steve said uncertainly.

 

Clint smirked to the audience, closing the door behind them. The stage darkened for the scene change which was now mostly a very well laid out ballroom with a throne in the far back. Steve and Thor were standing in a foyer to the far left while the ex-agents were lowkey dancing to quiet music, dressed in very flashy tuxedos. The sounds of the storm quickly dissipated.

 

“I’m frightened. What kind of place is this?” Steve asked.

 

“Fear not. It is probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos,” Thor assured him, though hearing Thor say weirdos was weirder than any place they could have been.

 

Clint walked up behind them: “This way.”

 

They took a few steps in and the party goers laughed. Steve asked, “are you having a party?”

 

Clint turned back to them. “You’ve arrived on a rather special night. It’s one of the Master’s affairs.”

 

“Oh,” Steve replied, trying to seem sweet, “lucky him.”

 

Natasha lifted her head from her slumped position against the wall and enjoyed startling her team mates. She never hid in the same place twice and always managed to startle them, even though they knew she was supposed to be there. The audience fell dead silent when they saw Black Widow in her slightly revealing maid’s outfit, her hair a red torrent around her head. She may or may not have drastically increased the popularity of a particular fetish for every person in the theater that night.

 

She smiled crazily at the couple. “You’re lucky. He’s lucky, I’m lucky, we’re all lucky! Hahaha.”

 

She sprang up to lean against the wall again.

  
Then.

 

The music began.

 

Clint twirled on the spot to face the couple he had allowed into his Master’s home. “It’s asstounding. Time is fleeting. Madness… takes it’s toll.”

 

Natasha came up behind the blonds and started herding them further into the ballroom.

 

“But listen closely.”

 

“Not for very much longer,” she said in a very appealing Russian accent, draping her arms over the boys for a moment.

 

“I’ve got to… keep control,” Clint said before completely losing his self control.

 

He was half dancing with the set, half with himself but his legs rarely failed to kick. Clint’s smile nearly split his face,yet he managed to keep the menacing demeanor and sang, “I remember doing the time warp! Drinking those moments when the blackness would hit me.”

 

Nat went to him for a moment of elbow sex and they sang together, “And the voice would be calling!”

 

The party goers turned to the newly arrived couple and the audience. “Let’s do the Timewarp again! Let’s do the Timewarp again!”

 

The music stopped, a spot light shot onto Fury standing in the pits, elevated by a small stage. He said, “It’s just a jump to the left.”

 

He demonstrated and the party goers danced and sang. Steve feigned a faint and Thor caught him without looking away.

 

Natasha began dancing, a little half crazed but simultaneously seductively. “It’s so dreamy. Oh, fantasy free me so you can see me. No, not at all.  In another dimension, with voyeuristic intentions. Well secluded I see all.”

 

Clint leaned into Thor, who was holding a recovered Steve. “With a bit of a mind flip.”

 

Natasha rose up on her toes, “You’re into the time slip!”

 

“And nothing can ever be the same.”

 

“You’re spaced out on sensation,” Natasha proclaimed, weaving her arms about.

 

“Like you’re under sedation!”

 

Steve fainted again, falling into Thor’s arms. While ‘Let’s do the Timewarp again!’ reverberated around them.

 

Then a light shot onto one Pepper Potts sitting atop an old jukebox in enough sequins to light up New York. She fixed her bow and began singing her story. “I was walking down the street. Just having a think, when a snake of a guy gave me an evil wink. He shook me up. He took me by surprise. He had a pickup truck and the devil’s eyes.”

 

She gave Happy, who  was standing guard at one of the exit doors, a wink which she hoped made him blush. “He stared at me and I felt a change. Time meant nothing, never would again.”

 

They all sang at a flabbergasted Thor and Steve, “LET’S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN! LET’S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!”

 

Fury reminded them all of the steps and they continued while Nat and Clint danced back and forth across the stage sliding their arms up and down against one another. Who knew Pepper could tap dance?

 

“LET’S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN! LET’S DO THE TIMEWARP AGAIN!”

 

Thor and Steve began to back away during the final rendition, but before they could make their exit the guests collapsed onto the floor and the music wobbled out of tune.   
  
There was a beat of silence, then Thor said, “Say! Do any of you know how to Madison?” _Whatever that is_ , he thought.

 

They all threw him a look, clearly thinking the same thing and that there is no way he knew what that is.

 

Steve, who was a decade short of knowing what Madison is, touched Thor’s shoulder. “Thor, please, let’s get out of here.”

 

“Keep a grip of yourself, Steve.”

 

“But it seems so unhealthy here,” Steve pleaded, trying to drag Thor back and away from the group in front of them.

 

Thor resisted mildly. “It’s just a celebration, Steve.”

 

“Well, I want to go.”

  
“We can’t till I get to a phone.”

 

“Then ask the butler or someone.”

 

“Just a moment, Steven. We don’t want to interfere with their celebrations.”

 

“This isn’t the Asgardian Council, Thor.”

 

“They’re just Midgardians from a different land than you. They have different ways,” he said, sounding most reasonable. “They may do some more dancing.”

 

The group laughed at the sweet, affable alien as they see the gate slide into place behind him, their Master and idol standing behind it.

 

Steve gripped Thor’s sleeve. “Look, I’m cold, I’m wet and I’m just plain scared.”

 

Steve turned around to make a get away but was faced with the gate and the figure on the other side. Thor turned slightly to his betrothed. “I’m here, there’s nothing to worry about.”

 

Tony whirled around to face them, his cloak billowing a bit as he does. Steve let out a scandalized scream, fainting again but this time falling all the way to the floor. The gate was pulled to the side, allowing Tony to step into the space Steve had previously occupied.

 

He smirked at Thor. “How do you do? I see you’ve met my faithful handyman.”

 

Clint shuffled a little, Natasha looked at him. Tony lean even closer to Thor. “He’s just a little brought down because when you knocked he thought you were the candyman.”

 

His dark red, glistening lips bordered by his trimmed facial hair nearly brush Thor’s as he completed his line. The gigantic warrior is clearly thrown off but doesn’t move, too captivated by the vision in front of him. Tony marches away from the lovely blond man, strutting for all his worth towards his throne. “Don’t get strung out by the way I look! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! I’m not much of a man by the light of day, but by night I’m one hell of a lover!”

 

Tony threw the black and silver cloak from his shoulders, there were gasps and not a single face in the whole theater that wasn’t beet red. He had saved this and it had been worth it. He knew he was a vision of sexuality and he was going to exude every ounce of it. He basked in their looks just a moment longer before he struck a pose that was anything but decent, smiling at them all.

 

“I’m just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania!” He threw his head back, laughing just a bit.

 

Steve had recovered minutely, enough to stand next to Thor again, but he thought he might faint for real upon seeing Stark. He side glanced to Thor, just to make sure he wasn’t the only one having trouble breathing.

 

Tony threw his arms up and walked back to the couple. “Let me show you around, maybe play you a sound. You look like you’re both pretty groovy,” he arched his perfectly sculpted eyebrow at them. “Or if you want something visual,” his smirk intensified as he brushed past so he could stand behind them, but the couple turned to face him almost unconscious that these were their directions anyway, “that’s not too abysmal, we could take in an old Steve Rogers movie.”

 

He walked towards them and they stumble back, trying to keep their eyes on him the whole time. Steve’s face went from warm to nearly on fire hearing Tony reminded him of his old promotionals. Then Tony diverted from the path, going to a refreshment table they had set up for the party guests and grabs a glass of water.

 

Thor approached him tentatively. “I’m glad we caught you at home. Could we use your phone? We’re… both in a bit of a hurry.”

 

“Right,” Steve coughed out.

 

Tony took a sip, making sure to show off the Boss tattoo and his side profile. Thor gulped. “We’ll just say where we are and then go back to the car.”

 

A guest approached Tony, shaking his hand. “A pleasure to meet you, Dr. Stark.”

 

“We don’t want to be any worry,” Thor tried to assure him.

 

Tony threw the water cup off stage left and whipped around to face his friends again, smiling all the more broadly from their reactions to him. “Well, you got caught with a flat. Well, how ‘bout that? Well, babies, don’t you panic. By the light of the night it’ll all seem alright.”

 

He left them, marching to his throne. “I’ll get you a satanic mechanic. I’m just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania!”

 

Well, that ass should be illegal. Those hips too. Had they paid for porn, the audience wonders briefly.

 

Tony took his throne with all the moxy he had, propping his leg up on the arm as his attendants, Nat, Clint, and Pepper surrounded him. If this had been his real court, he didn’t think he would have minded at all. “Why don’t you stay for the night?”

 

“Night,” Clint mimicked, the smirk still stretched across his face.

 

“Or maybe a bite?”

 

“Bite,” Pepper bit over Tony’s leg, licking her lips. Yes, they decide, they had paid for porn.

 

Tony leaned further into his chair, peering at them through half lidded, shadowy eyes. “I could show you my favorite obsession. I’ve been making a man with brown hair, no tan. And he’s good for relieving my tension. I’m just a sweet transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania. Hit it!”

 

He launched himself from the throne, smacking his ass and moving his hips and arms just enough to be tantalizing as he once again proclaimed his state and origin. Happy radioed to a maintenance worker to have the AC turned on. He could see the audience fanning themselves and knew that it will only get hotter in the theater with what was to come.

 

Tony had gallivanted across the stage, back to his cage elevator. He now stood spread eagle for all to see with a come hither look on his painted face. “So, come up to the lab and see what’s on the slab. I see you shiver… with antici-pation.” The whole audience visibly shuddered along with Steve. “But maybe the rain isn’t really to blame.”

 

Thor started fidgeting with his hair and the empty glasses they have had him wear. Tony’s eyes raked over them both. “So I’ll remove the cause, but not the symptom.”

 

Then he was gone and the party goers remembered to clap just in time, following after their idolized scientist. Clint and Natasha walked up to Steve and Thor to begin declothing them, respectively. Steve didn’t have to pretend to be uncomfortable, but Thor was not afraid of showing what he’s made of.

 

“Oh! Oh! Thor!” he shouted, fake hitting Clint away.

 

Thor just stood there allowing Natasha to remove his clothes as if she were his thrall back in ancient Scandinavia. “We’ll play along for now and pull out the aces when the time is right.”

 

“Slowly, slowly. It’s too nice a job to rush,” Pepper told them as she approached, holding out her arm to accept the discarded clothes.

 

“Hello,” Thor said, unshy about his state of dress which is currently his underwear. The underwear they told him he had to wear along with Steve who has crossed his arms to cover himself just a bit. “I’m Thor, this is my fiance, Steve Rogers. Your title?”

 

“You are very lucky to be invited up to Tony’s laboratory. Some people would give their right arm for the privilege,” she said, ignoring Thor’s question.

 

“People such as you, perhaps?”

 

“Hah! I’ve seen it,” Pepper told them as she dropped their clothes to the floor into a heap. She hadn’t done anyone’s laundry since she left home, that wasn’t going to change now.

 

She stepped over the pile toward the elevator, followed by Thor and Steve who were being prodded by Natasha. They load up along with Clint and transition to the laboratory. Rhodey had been on the stage hands like a general, well the Lt. Cournol he is. All transitions are butter smooth and lightning fast. The throne was gone, as well as most of the ballroom decor. Tony stood in front of a red sheet covering his creation with the onlookers standing on a balcony Rhodey had constructed. It’s over six feet high with a red loading door underneath, buttons and knobs on a panel, and ramps on either side. A pink curtain hangs to the left.

 

The group is heard from the elevator. Steve asked Pepper, “Is he-? Tony, I mean, is he your husband?”

 

Pepper laughed because now it’s a genuinely funny question and not in a mean way. Clint spoke up, “The Master is not yet married. Nor do I think he ever will be. We are simply his servants.”

 

They stepped out, taking in their surroundings. Clint walked up to Tony, now in a green medical slip, wearing pink gloves, and offered his master a glass of what is supposed to be champagne. Clint walked away from the man who he reminded himself is really shorter than him and not to feel bitter about it, the heels will come off, and began fiddling behind the creation. Tony sipped at the beverage before looking back at the couple.

 

“Natasha. Pepper,” he called, each stepping out from behind the men as their names were called. “Go and assist Clint. I will entertain.”

 

The women walked to the covered experiment to help their comrade. Tony smiled that smile that shouldn’t make either of these men feel like prey. They’re superheros for Christ sake! One a god! This seems to propel Thor onward, despite his heart beating a little harder than he’s used to.

 

He shook Tony’s extended hand. “Thor Odinson and this is my fiance, Steven Rogers.”

 

Tony shook Thor’s hand quickly, then reached for Steve’s. He kissed it the way he would a lady he was trying to fluster and was pleased to see it has a similar effect on Rogers. “Enchante. What charming underclothes you both have. But here, put these on. They’ll make you feel a little less vulnerable.”

 

The couple accepted the lab coats offered to them by Tony, Steve far more gratefully than Thor, but he knew it’s only going to get worse so he slipped the coat on and enjoyed being covered while he could.

 

“We don’t get many visitors here. Let alone offer them hospitality,” Tony told them, sipping from the glass.

 

“Hospitality!” Thor said, as he has been told not to shout, it scares people. “All we wanted was to use your telephone. A reasonable request that you have ignored!”

 

Steve gripped that muscular right arm, telling him, “Don’t be ungrateful.”

 

“Ungrateful?!” Thor ripped off his glasses, staring at Tony who is much closer to his height in those heels. He should not be intimidating just because he’s a few inches taller. Maybe it’s because now his stature matched his demeanor.

 

Tony’s smile intensified, not even mildly intimidated. “How forceful you are, Thor.” His eyes traveled appreciatively up and down Thor’s body. “Such a perfect specimen of manhood. So dominant.”

 

The guests giggled and the audience shuddered, none would ever admit why. Tony looked away from Thor, focusing his piercing eyes on Steve who might be having a hard time keeping his role while Tony was speaking and looking like that. But this was how Tony usually spoke, kind of. Maybe it’s the makeup… or the pearls?

 

“You must be awfully proud of him, Steve.”

 

“Well… yes, I am.” Steve smiled back.

 

“Do you have any tattoos, Thor?” Tony asked.

 

“No,” the god replied simply.

 

“Oh, well. How about you?”

 

Steve’s blush might not have been as fake as he wanted it to be. Was something different about his voice? Did it have something to do with those gloves?

 

Clint walked up to the little huddle. “Everything is in readiness, Master. We merely await your word.”

 

Tony passed off his glass to Clint, who takes it as quickly as he could, the contents splashing onto his hands. Tony stood before the a pink curtain to address the onlookers. Pepper and Natasha joined him, both wearing aprons and surgical masks.

 

“Tonight, my unconventional conventionists, you are to witness a new breakthrough in biomechanical technology. And paradise is to be mine!”

 

Tony clutched his hands to his chest in excitement as the conventionist partiers applaud. “It was strange the way it happened. Suddenly, you get a break.” He snapped his rubber glove and shuddered. “All the pieces seem to fit into place. What a sucker you’ve been. What a fool. The answer was there all the time. It takes an accident!”

 

“An accident!” Pepper and Nat proclaimed, their hands resting on his shoulders in support.

 

“That elusive equation. That spark that is the breath of invention and the answer to life! Yes. I have this knowledge. I hold the secret to life itself!”

 

Everyone, even the audience, applauded him and spun their noise makers. Tony had always been good at speeches and he has really put it over the top this time, at least as over as he can get without the suit. He rushed over to the red sheet. He held his hand up to stop the noise.

 

“You are fortunate, for you see, tonight is the night that my beautiful creature is destined to be born.” There is more applause as he motioned for Pepper and Natasha to remove the sheet. As it is pulled away he flung his arms open. A tank containing a heavily bandaged human body lay before him.

 

Dr. Stark pointed to his handyman, standing near the board of buttons, knobs, and lights. “Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator. And step up the reactor power input three. More. Points!”

 

As Clint flipped the knobs and pressed the buttons, guitar chords blared out. Lights dim and flicker. Jolts of electricity are heard. The chemical chandelier lowers over the tank, Tony shouted in joy.

 

“Oh, Thor!” Steve shouted, clutching his betrothed.

 

“It’s alright, Steven,” Thor said reassuringly, though what he is seeing is quite a spectacle. It’s even better than television. Stage performances have come a long way, he thought.

 

The music picked up and the light flashing continues. Tony laughed a mad scientist’s laugh, which he has always secretly wanted to do. The chandelier hung in front of him and he began turning the knobs. There was a blinding flash! The chandelier was gone and the sides of the tank was now a rainbow. The bandaged arms of the creature rose to the sides of the tank, hauling the hulking body up onto its feet.

 

Clint abandoned the flashing gizmos, observing his Master’s creation. He reached up, pulling the bandages wrapped around his head free.

 

Bucky Barnes’ sourpuss glower stared out across the audience, who cannot decide if they are turned on further or mildly scared. Tony shouted in joy, “Oh, Bucky!”

 

The man gripped the sides of the tank tighter, looking around as though surrounded by raptors. Bucky opened his mouth and something, not so much as singing as a rough voice, sounded out. “The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head. I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread.”

 

Tony left his position in front of the tank to pull Clint away from his new creation, tossing his man servant to the side. Bucky moved away from them, climbing out of his container. “Oh, woe is me. My life is a misery. Oh, can’t you see that I’m at the start of being a big downer.”

 

As he managed to escape, his bindings making it somewhat difficult, Pepper and Natasha pounced. They grabbed the wrapping around his thighs and started cutting away. Bucky held perfectly still, allowing the women to cut with caution and precision.

 

“I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed.”

 

“That ain’t no crime!” the conventionists assured him.

 

The women ripped the bandages off of his legs. “And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread.”

 

“That ain’t no crime!”

 

Bucky’s arms were released and he observed his metal one as if it’s new or different. “My high is low. I’m dressed up with no place to go.”

 

Thor placed the glasses back on his face, admiring the structure of his comrade. Dr. Stark was standing in the empty tank, appreciating what he’s made. Bucky did his best not to think about the audience and continued his song.

 

“And all I know is I’m at the start of a pretty big downer.” He thought about how much of an understatement that was when Tony reached out to grab his hips and he had to step away to keep himself from being felt up on stage. His comfort levels are not looking to increase as Pepper grabbed the wrapping around his waist and tugs. He did a little dance, turning in place to free himself from the warm, and kind of itchy, bandages. Clint hoisted Tony onto his shoulders so he could get a good look. They’re singing and Bucky was dancing and it’s starting to feel a little like a fever dream.

 

When he’s finally free, standing in front of hundreds of people in nothing but very small silver briefs and shoes, he started to wonder if they’d drugged him. Surely they had the mercy to drug him so that when this is over, he won’t remember it. Unfortunately, his movements are too coordinated to indicate any kind of substance. Tony jumped from Clint’s shoulders and took after him. How could the man run so well in heels?!

 

Bucky made for the higher ground, running past the group of onlookers, trying to escape his new creator. “The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head and I’ve got the feeling someone’s gonna be cutting the thread.”

 

Luckily for Bucky, the slope proved to be a bit of a problem and Tony went down, but continued to crawl towards his creature. Shaking his fist at anyone who doesn’t move out of his way.

 

“Oh woe is me. My life is a mystery and can’t you see,” Barnes paused to look back as warm lips kiss along his calf, looking back to see Stark has caught up with him, “that I’m at the start of a really big downer.”

 

He bolted down the other end of the ramp only to hear the clacking of heels. Behind him Stark was back on his feet and running, very quickly, and lifting his medical gown in excitement to flash the audience a good look at his legs and panties. Bucky would run faster if he had anywhere to go. Near his tank, Clint, Nat, and Pepper had started dancing as well, singing along with the party goers who were still trying to tell him he hasn’t committed a crime even though he was clearly the one in danger here.

 

The madman, damn those are some good legs, continued to chase him up and down the ramp. Bucky climbed all the way back into the tank, figuring any surface between himself and the man chasing him was a good thing. Stark looks at him disappointedly, standing at the side of it.

 

“Now really, that’s no way to behave on your first day out.” His eyes traveled up and down, even taking a moment to appreciate the craftsmanship of the metal arm. Bucky hoped the lights weren’t bright enough to show that he was blushing. The three assistants join Tony at the tank to observe him.

 

Stark smiled at him again, “But since you’re such an exceptional beauty, I’m prepared to forgive you.”

 

There were gasps from the audience as the corners of his mouth tug up into a smile.

 

“Oh, I just love success!” Tony shouted, lending his hand to Bucky as he tentatively climbed back out.

 

“He’s a credit to your genius,” Clint said, smirking far too much.

 

“A triumph of your will,” Natasha agreed easily.

 

“He’s okay,” said Pepper.

 

All four turn to look at her. There’s a moment of silence broken by Tony who asked, “Okay? Okay?! I think we can do better than that.”

 

He grabbed Bucky’s shoulders and steered the reluctant man toward the couple who have been watching slackjawed since Bucky pulled himself up and started to sing. Tony showed them his masterpiece, pride clear on his face. Bucky shifted a little as Steve and Thor looked at him in little more than a speedo.

 

“Now, Thor and Steve, what do you think of him?”

 

Thor’s hands went to Steve’s shoulders, where they were supposed to be, while he stared. Steve shuffled his feet a bit, clutching his hands together. He said, in the flattest voice he can, “I-uh I don’t like men with too many muscles.”

 

He glanced back at Thor, who looked at him along with everyone else. There were giggles among the audience from those who couldn’t hold it back.

 

Tony managed to maintain a serious face, by a thread, and muttered, “I didn’t make him for you!”

 

He grabbed Bucky’s hand, pulling him to a nicely wrapped set of weights wheeled out by Clint. “He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval.”

 

Bucky looked at the gifts then at Steve, who smiled encouragingly.

 

“A weakling weighing 98 pounds will get sand in his face when kicked to the ground.” Tony kicked for emphasis as he handed Bucky one of the dumbells. “And soon in the gym, with a determined chin, the sweat from his pores as he works for his cause will make him glisten and gleam,” he sung, nearly in the tune of a Christmas song, handing over another weight. Bucky began to lift them, showing his muscles. “And with massage, and just a little bit of steam,” his hand glided across Bucky’s chest. The veteran shivered, the AC had clearly been turned up. Tony’s finger traveled slowly down to his bellybutton and even slower down to the top of his briefs, singing, “He’ll be pink and quite clean. He’ll be a strong man. Oh, honey, but the wrong man. He’ll eat nutritious high protein and swallow raw eggs.”

 

Tony walked away to pull a pummel horse onto the stage, while Bucky tried to recover from exactly how Tony’s voice had curled around the word swallow. He put the weights back and climbed onto the horse, feeling very much on display.

 

“Try to build up his shoulders. His chest, arms and legs,” Stark sung, appraising each section as he listed it. “Such an effort. If he only knew of my plan. In just seven days I can make you a man.”

 

Pepper, helpfully, approached Bucky who eyed her with suspicion. She ran her hands along his chest and human arm, oiling his body. He was definitely shivering now. It’s cold in this theater. He jumped from her grasp.

 

“He’ll do push ups and chin-ups,” Tony said, Bucky dropped to the floor to demonstrate. “Do the snatch, clean and jerk. He thinks dynamic tension must be hard work.”

 

Bucky stood but only as Stark had climbed upon the horse and was _riding_ it. He thinks briefly that he might choke. Then Tony continued singing and Bucky clasped his hands above his head and struck a pose so he had something to do with them because that was a different kind of riding and it was indecent!

 

“Such strenuous living. I just don’t understand. When in just seven days,” Tony dismounted, grabbed Bucky’s hips to pull him closer, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Oh, baby, I can make you a man.”

 

Just as Tony’s about to kiss him, Bucky would swear until his dying day that was what was coming next, they heard a loud beeping like a microwave going off. The large red loading door that had been quiety ignored up to now fell to the floor and a slightly freezer burned Bruce, looking like a cooler version of Elvis with more of a rockabilly thing going on, came rolling out on Steve’s motorcycle, dry ice fog trailing behind him.

 

Pepper shouted, “Brucie!”

 

The rock started up as Bruce threw down the kick and his sunglasses, followed closely by his helmet so the audience could see his sick headwound. Bruce gave a whoop of excitement, dismounting and spinning in a circle.

 

He looked at Thor and Steve, palmed his sax and sang out, “Whatever happened to Saturday night? When you dressed sharp, felt alright. Don’t seem the same since cosmic light came into my life.”

 

Tony stood back with folded arms being hughey as Bruce walked up to Bucky, giving him the up down. “I thought I was divine. I’d go for a ride with chicks who’d go and listen to the music on the radio.” Pepper ran to him, letting him lift her up onto the bike. “A saxophone was blowing on a rock and roll show. We climbed into the back seat, we had a really good time.”

 

Pepper reached for him and he took her hand like a gentleman, helping her down during his serenade. “Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock ‘n roll! Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock n’ roll!”

 

The convention goers start to join in the song, using their elevated stage to dance among themselves. Bruce danced with Pepper as if he might actually be an undead rock god. The man can sure rock that leather jacket. Then he put the sax to his lips and began to blow. Clearly, the Avengers held many secrets because he is playing like his soul is actually in it and yes, he is playing.

 

Bruce turned back to the audience, moving his hips just a little bit just for them. “My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled. My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.”

 

He handed his baby to Thor, hoping the giant wouldn’t crush what he has thus far managed to avoid crushing, so his hands a free to grab Pepper by the hips and hold her close. “I’d taste her baby pink lipstick and that’s when I’d melt. She’d whisper in my ear, tonight she really was mine. Get back in front, put some hair oil on. Buddy Holly was singin’ his last song.”

 

Bruce whipped his head to look at the two pack of muscle and blonde hair, giving his own locks a shake, he pointed. “With your arms around your baby you tried to sing along. It felt pretty good, really had a good time.” Pepper jumped into his arms and he spun them around. “Hot patootie, bless my soul! I really love that rock n’ roll!”

 

Everyone started to join in, dancing and singing ‘Hot patootie’ while Bruce and Pepper mock a pretty heavy makeout right there on the stage floor. Clint and Nat have started dancing inside the freezer that had held Bruce. Even Bucky is doing a little dance of his own. It’s really too bad the man hasn’t been able to enjoy music until now. Rock would definitely be his style. She can’t see anything but Pepper is now certain that choosing to restrict the viewers to 21 year olds was a good idea.

 

Tony grabbed Bucky by his mechanical arm, dragging him to the elevator cage where he locked his sexy Frankenstein up before turning his eyes on Bruce. Bruce, sensing the danger, jumped up, giving Pepper one last peck before mounting the bike and revving the engine.

 

He drove up one ramp and down the other as the attendants jump out of the way. While Bruce was busy with the bike, Tony dragged Clint and Natasha out of the fridge to reprimand them. Their heads fell in mock shame.

 

When he came back around to Pepper, Bruce stopped to put her back on the bike, but as he’s busy situating the lovely lady Tony stalked up to him and began to chase him with a pickaxe. Bruce tried to run back to the fridge but cannot escape the madman. Tony followed, quickly driving the pick into Bruce’s head again and again, blood pooling on the fallen door while Pepper screamed in horror. Having completed his task, Tony stood, removing his blood soaked gloves.

 

“One from the vaults,” he explained. Bucky rattled the door of the elevator, drawing attention. The man looked like a caged kitten. “Oh, baby!”

 

Tony rushed to release his creation. Bucky only stood to the side so Tony could join him in the lift, giving him guilty looks. “Don’t look like that. It was a mercy killing. He had a certain naive charm but no muscle.”

 

Bucky flexed his human arm, resting his elbow on Tony’s shoulder to show everyone just how much muscle he has, which caused the man to shout in ecstasy. Jesus, Peter Hinwood had nothing on Bucky fucking Barnes. Though to be fair, that haircut wasn’t doing him any favors. The ballad from Tony’s song about Bucky’s muscles sounded again. Summoned by the display no doubt. He took Bucky’s hand, leading him to the pink curtain where he gave his speech.

 

“But deltoid and a bicep, a hot groin and a tricep, makes me shake,” he shivered, so intensely that the even Happy, still standing at the doors, could see it. “Makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the hand. In just seven days, I can make you a ma-ah-ha-ah-an!”

 

He released Bucky only for a moment so Natasha and Clint could remove his medical dress. His body, held tightly in a dazzling corset, tiny panties, and fishnets, drew all eyes. He was far too sexual. Bucky needed an adult. Now! But the only adult present was waiting backstage for his next monologue. Tony draped one fingerless gloved hand on his shoulders at a time, kicking back his legs.

 

“I don’t want no dissention. Just dynamic tension.”

 

Steve piped up from among the crowd, “I’m a muscle fan!”

 

But kindly shut up with one look from Thor, still holding the beloved saxophone. Tony sneers a little at the minx but his eyes are reserved for Bucky.

 

Tony stage whispered to his ear, “In just seven days, I can make you a man. Dig it if you can.”

 

He threw his hands to his hips, giving them a shake. The curtain parted to reveal a very large bed that Bucky could only stare at in silent horror.

 

“In just seven days,” Tony offered his arm, like the proper lady he is. Bucky took it slowly like the shell shocked gentleman he is. “I can make you a man.”

 

They walk toward the bed, arm in arm. A guitar rendition of the classic wedding march takes over. Tony looked at the specimen attached to his arm thinking that if he were to show Bucky how to be a man, it wouldn’t take seven days. Maybe seven minutes. The curtains close just as they reach the foot of the bed and Tony jumped into Bucky’s ready arms, followed quickly by the curtains for the rest of the stage.

 

Fury was back in his chair, sitting just off stage right, trying to file every aspect of what he had just seen away into the dark regions of his brain only to be retrieved for humiliation purposes. “There are those who say life is an illusion and that reality is simply a figment of the imagination. If this is so, then Thor and Steve are quite safe. However,” he leaned forward to impose upon the audience the seriousness of the situation, “the sudden departure of their host and his creation into the seclusion of his somber bridal suite had left them feeling both apprehensive and uneasy. A feeling which grew as the other guests departed and they were shown to their separate rooms.”

 

The light went out, replaced by a pink light which illuminates a very strange bedroom with a thin canopy hanging over the bed. Too many statues for a bedroom stand here and there, with just as many bedside tables. The door to the room swung open, Steve was pushed inside by Pepper who threw a robe at him and left.

 

Steve looked around the room, seeming to consider his options, soon putting the robe on one of the tables and climbing into the bed. He shuffled around a little, trying to get comfortable, then fell into a calm sleep. A noise at the door only moments later woke him.

 

“Who is it? Who’s there?” Steve sat up, his silhouette visible through the sheer canopy.

 

“It’s only me, Steven.” Thor’s voice said, his hulking figure approaching the bed from the other side of the canopy.

 

“Oh, Thor, darling. Come in,” Steve said, scootching over and throwing back the covers. Thor climbed in and right on top of Steve. Kissing him thoroughly. “Oh, Thor! Oh, yes. But what if -!”

 

“Everything’s going to be alright,” Thor said, reassuringly.

 

“Oh, I hope so darling,” Steve said, tilting his head back for more kisses. His hands move over Thor’s back into his hair but come away holding a wig! Steve shouted in horror as he realized that his bed partner was not his fiance but his host. “It’s you!”

 

“I’m afraid so, Steve,” Tony’s voice rung out over the hyperventilating audience. “But isn’t it nice?”

 

Tony leant in for another kiss, but Steve pushed him away. Steve shouted, “You beast, you monster. What have you done with Thor?”

 

“Well, nothing,” he admitted, sounding so innocent that he was almost believable. “Why? Do you think I should?”

 

Steve pushed the scientist further away so he could sit up. He looked away from Tony, who he could see was still wearing his getup from earlier. He made a personal memo to burn that outfit after this was over. A man like Stark didn’t need the kind of power he got from wearing an outfit like that. It was even more dangerous than his suit.

 

“You tricked me! I wouldn’t have. I never, never…” Steve breathed deep to compose himself.

 

“Yes, yes, I know,” Tony said, so sweetly. His finger caught Steve’s chin, lifting his face up to look at Tony. “But it isn’t all bad is it? I think you’ll really find it quite pleasurable.”

 

This man was a seducer, Steve’s mind yelled. Why was the usually deadpanned voice dripping with sexuality? Deeper, coaxing. He reminded himself that he was an actor as Tony leaned over him again, pressing him into the bed. And why did Steve feel compelled to let him?! ACTOR! Actor, right, it was his blocking. Tony kissed his neck, making wet noises that were just loud enough to hear.

 

The audience moved in their seats, feeling that they had somehow stumbled onto a private moment, even though that moment was clearly on stage for their enjoyment. Steve moaned a little here and there, making them grip the armrests.

 

“So soft. So sensual,” Tony whispered heavily.

 

“Stop, I mean, help!” Steve protested weakly, until he remembered his fiance and shouted, “Thor!”

 

Tony shushed him. His voice was reasonable, “Thor is probably asleep by now. Do you want him to see you like this?”

 

The smaller man is strong for his size Steve realizes for the first time, with Tony’s hands clasped around his hips and pulling him towards his own insistently enough the Steve is lying on his back.

 

“Like this? Like how? It’s your fault, you’re to blame. I was saving myself,” he said, as though it was already too late. And it was, it would be. Poor Janet never stood a chance, Steve thought.

 

“Well, I’m sure you’re not spent yet,” Tony suggested, leaning down to kiss him again.

 

Steve stopped him with a hand to his chest. “Promise you won’t tell Thor?”

 

“Cross my heart and hope to die.” Tony leaned in, kissing his neck instead of his mouth and that giggle might have been real. Facial hair tickles, what do you want Steve to do about it?

 

The stage went dark, to change again. The lights lift, Clint and Natasha were standing in the lab. Natasha seemed to be mopping up the blood from earlier. Bruce’s body was nowhere in sight and the rest of the mess caused by his escape has been cleaned up. Clint walked toward the bed on which Bucky was napping with his ankles chained to the posts. Clint smirking at Nat as he passed her. She smiled back knowingly.

 

He picked up a candelabra that had been sitting next to the bed, dripping hot wax onto Bucky’s chest. Bucky woke with a start, shielding himself from the fire of the candles when Clint thrust the flames at him. He pulled his chains free of the bed, running to the elevator and escaping.

 

Clint chased after him until the man is gone, watching him depart with Natasha. Once Bucky had left, Clint put down that candelabra. He and Natasha approach each other, gazing into each other’s eyes. So so slowly, their fingertips touch. Their hands come together, palm to palm. Rising higher and higher until their arms are flush against each other from their elbows to their fingers, their bodies drawing closer. Clint grasped her, pulling the maid close to sink his teeth into her neck. Her mouth opened in pleasure as the lights went out. The stage is dark again.

 

The bedroom reappeared, this time bathed in blue. Tony and Steve are nowhere to be seen. It is only a moment before the door opens again, Peper pushed Thor inside this time. Giving him a robe similar to the one she had given his fiance and closing the door behind her. Much like Steve, Thor discarded the robe before climbing into his bed.

 

He had barely lain down when a figure similar to Steve came running in. “Oh, Thor, amore, it’s no good here.”

 

He climbed into bed beside the bulking young god, who makes way for his betrothed.

 

“It’ll destroy us,” Steve warned. Kneeling before Thor, both of them visible as shadows through the canopy the same as before.

 

“Don’t worry,” Thor assured his love, drawing the smaller man down into his arms. “We’ll be away from here in the morning.”

 

“Oh, Thor, you’re so strong and protective.”

 

Steve snuggled into Thor’s bulking arms. As Thor runs a hand over his beloved’s silky blond locks, a wig falls away to reveal Tony’s wild dark hair and a perfectly sinister smirk that only Thor could see.

 

“You!” Thor shouted. Tony sprang onto his lap, his hips settling comfortably over the Norse God’s.

 

“I’m afraid so, Thor. But isn’t it nice?” Tony asks, leaning down to do something to Thor’s neck. The adonis sat up swiftly, pushing away the intruder.

 

“You! What have you done with Steve?”

 

“Nothing. Why, do you think I should?” Tony says, the picture of innocence.

 

“You tricked me! I wouldn’t have. I’ve never, never, never!” Thor protested. Tony snorted, trying desperately to hold in laughter. Sure never, in all those years of life, all those years of being a god among men. The line always sounds hilariously unbelievable to Tony.

 

“Yes, I know. But it isn’t all bad is it?” Tony said with straining patience in his voice, leaning down to the juncture of Thor’s neck, plastering his body against the one beneath him. “Not even half bad. I think you’ll really quite enjoy it.”

 

Thor leaned back, basking in the vixen’s touch.

 

“So soft. So sensual,” he whispered against the pulse of Thor’s neck, trailing slowly down that perfect body to the very top of those ridiculous tighty whities.

 

“No, stop.” The protest is so weak not one damn person in the theater believed it. “Oh, Steve. Steve!”

 

Tony’s finger is pressed the Thor’s lips so fast he actually shut up. “Steve’s probably asleep by now. Besides do you want her to see you like this?”

 

The movement is executed, not as easily as with Rogers, let’s be real here one is significantly larger than the other, but with the same success. The look on Thor’s face is worth every second Tony put into weight training for this.

 

The man gulped, gathering himself to shout out his lines as he pushes himself up, his legs sliding down Tony’s sides to encircle his hips. He tried his best for indignation, “Like this, like how? It’s your fault! You’re to blame! I thought it was the real thing.”

 

Tony swatted away the accusing finger. “Oh, come on, Thor, admit it. You liked it, didn’t you?” He leaned in, their lips barely an inch apart. “There’s no crime in giving yourself over to pleasure. Oh, Thor, you have wasted so much time already. Steve needn’t know. I won’t tell him.”

 

“You promise you won’t tell?” Thor asked, a quiver in his voice spurred by Tony’s lips on his chest. The lady’s in the audience dabbed at their lips, stifling some noise they could not control.

 

“On my mother’s grave,” Tony promised, hiding his face between Thor’s thighs.   
  
Just as the men were about to begin there was a loud beeping and Clint’s voice was carried over an intercom. “Master, Bucky has broken his chains and vanished. The new playmate is loose and somewhere in the castle grounds. Natasha has just released the dogs.”

 

Tony lifted his head to shout, “Coming!”

 

The audience thought _Me too,_ as Tony lowered his head again only for the stage to go dark. The light shone on Steve, standing in front of the elevator in nothing but his underwear. “What’s happening here? Where’s Thor? Where’s anybody? Oh Thor!” Dogs and thunder were heard faintly in the background. “Thor, my darling, how could i have done this to you?”

 

He entered the lift, sending himself up, apparently, to the laboratory where he exited to give himself room to pace, his arms wrapped around him, his hands fidgeting in a show of anxiety. “Oh, if only we hadn’t made this journey. If only the car hadn’t broken down. If only we were amongst friends or sane persons. Oh, Thor. What have they done with him?”

 

Looking at the control board again, Steve walked over and threw a leaver. A small screen light up, showing a picture of Thor and Tony splayed on the bed in their afterglow. “Thor, how could you?”

 

Steve tried to hold himself back from crying, but failed. He hid his face in his hands but was unable to snuff out the sounds of his soft sobs. Then he heard a soft groan of pain, more out of instinct than direction, Steve stopped his crying and walked over to the tank. Inside, under the sheet that had hidden the tank earlier, was Bucky. When Steve pulled the cover away, Bucky stopped his crying, which had been almost too soft to hear and stood.

 

He had clearly had a rough night. He had patches of dirt smeared here and there, a red mark on his flesh arm to indicate a cut. Steve gasped, “You’re hurt. Did they do this to you?”

 

Bucky nodded, his big sad puppy eyes begging Steve for sympathy. Steve’s face immediately turned indignant, he ripped a patch of cloth from the sheet. “Here. I’ll dress your wounds. There.”

 

As Steve wrapped Bucky’s hand, Bucky’s own metal hand rested on Steve’s. Their eyes met, intensity like the static of lightning filled the theater. The lights slowly dimmed as their smiles grew.

 

“Emotion: agitation or disturbance of mind...vehement or excited mental state,” Fury read from a book, assumed to be a dictionary, standing on his pedestal in the pit. He looked up. “It is also a powerful and irrational master. And from what Natasha and Pepper eagerly viewed on their TV monitor there seemed little doubt that Steve was indeed it’s slave.”

 

The lights slowly returned, showing the laboratory with a little bedroom squeezed onto the end of stage right where the two redheads were lounging in their nightwear watching a television the audience couldn’t see. It didn’t matter though, they could see the real thing taking place right in front of them.

 

“Tell us about it Steve. Hahahaha!” The women laughed, enjoying the depravity.

 

Steve obliged them, dabbing at other wounds as he stared at Bucky’s face. “I was feeling done in. Couldn’t win. I only ever kissed before…”

 

Pepper looked at Natasha, “You mean he-?”

 

“Uh hu,” Natasha said with her knowing grin.

 

“I thought there’s no use getting into heavy petting,” Steve sang as he daringly placed the hand he had been attending to on his pec, over his heart. But in a brief moment of uncertainty, he pulled it away. “It only leads to trouble and pant wetting. Now all I want to know is how to go. I’ve tasted blood and I want more.”

 

“More, more, more,” the girls pleaded, clutching each other as Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder and leaned in. They could hear the audience whispering after them.

 

“ _More, more, more_.”

 

“I’ll put up no resistance. I want to stay the distance. I’ve got an itch to scratch. I need assistance,” Steve sang out, climbing onto the edge of the tank so Bucky could stand between his legs. The music upping the energy as Natasha and Pepper nearly fell over each other in their excitement. He threw his arms around the nearly naked man, who was in fact no more naked than himself, and uttered that old phrase, “Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me. I wanna be dirty!  Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!”

 

Bucky ducked under Steve’s legs, backing away from his friend playfully. Of this whole fucking play, this was Bucky’s favorite part and it was detectable in his face splitting smile. Steve jumped into the tank, looking him up and down.

 

“Then if anything grows,” he sang, looking suggestively at Bucky’s lap, “while you pose, I’ll oil you up and rub you down.

 

He stepped closer, now only a whisper away from full body to body contact. The girls chorused, “Down, down, down.”

 

“ _Down, down, down_ ,” chanted the audience, hypnotized by the erotic energy.

 

“And that’s just one small fraction of the main attraction,” Steve continued, walking toward Bucky as the man slowly walked away leaving never more than an inch between them. Steve grabbed both of Bucky’s hands this time, pressing them to his pecs. “You need a friendly hand. Oh, and I need action.”

 

Bucky obliged his friend, feeling those hard muscles under his hands and how hard the nipples were, despite the heat. Maybe it was just Bucky that was hot under the briefs. When Steve continued telling him how he wanted to be touched, wanted to be dirty, Bucky was the man for the job. His hands slid down to Steve’s hips. He gave them a squeeze and pulled his friend down to the bottom of the tank.

 

Pepper mocked the desperate plea in a squeaky voice, “Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me.”

 

Natasha pulled at her nightshirt until the women were in a heap on the lounge chair. “I wanna be dirty.”

 

“Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me!” Pepper said, pulling away and then going in again to mock attack Natasha’s neck.

 

“Creature of the night!”

 

“Creature of the night,” Steve sang from his place atop Bucky, making a show of how much he was touching the man beneath him. “Touch-a, touch-a, touch-a, touch me! I wanna be dirty!”

 

Bucky flipped them, laying Steve on his back with Bucky pressed between his legs.

 

“Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night!”

 

The rest of the cast sang to the creature of the night and his momentary mate as they enjoyed something a little more than heavy petting, though only their silhouettes could be seen by the audience. Steve finished with a moan, pulling the sheet over them for some much needed rest.

 

Just as there was silence the elevator came to life. Tony threw the doors open, chasing his servant out with a whip. Clint howled with every lashing, “Mercy!”

 

Tony now wore a very punk leather jacket over his corset, his fishnets and heels once again strapped to his legs. Thor stood just outside the elevator, wearing a tasteful blue robe that was still not big enough to completely hide his chest , while Tony interrogated his butler.

 

“How did it happen? I understood you were to be watching.” Tony gave a brutal crack.

 

When Clint spoke, it was with a hint of bitterness. “It was only for a minute, master.”

 

“Well, see if you can find him on the monitor.”

 

Clint hobbled over to the wall and turned on the monitor that Steve had previously used to observe his fiance’s infidelity. “Master. Master, we have a visitor.”

 

Tony and Thor came to investigate. As soon as Thor saw the screen he said, “Hey, Philly!”

 

The other two threw him looks of confusion so he elaborated, “Dr. Phil Coulson.”

 

“You know this earthling--this person?” Clint asked, correcting himself after a whack from Tony.

 

Thor smiled jovially, “I most certainly do. He happens to be an old friend of mine.”

 

Tony threw his back against the wall, shock and betrayal on his face. “I see. So this wasn’t simply a chance meeting. You came here with a purpose.”

 

Thor looked more affronted than hurt by the smack to his stomach. “I told you, my car broke down. I was telling the truth.”

 

“I know what you told me, Thor,” Tony said, advancing on the man and just barely able to portray intimidation as he was still well over a head shorter than the Asgardian prince. “But this is Dr. Phil Coulson, his name is not unknown to me.”

 

Thor’s face showed its frankly adorable confusion. “He’s a science teacher at Midtown High School.”

 

“And he works for your government,” Tony said accusingly, his face invading Thor’s in an unwelcome manner. “He’s attached to S.H.E.I.L.D. ...investigating that which you call UFOs! Isn’t that right, Thor?”

 

Thor bulked under the intensity of the Tony’s questioning. They had honestly laughed so many times during this exchange in rehearsals, it was hard to keep a straight face now.

 

“He might be, I don’t know,” Thor said, almost pleading with the drag queen.

 

“The intruder is entering the building master,” Clint warned, his voice dejected, his eyes fixed to the screen.

 

Tony turned to Clint, lighting a cigaret and taking a drag before he replied. “He’ll probably be in the Zen Room.”

 

Oriental music playing briefly as Tony marched away from Thor and back to the panel. “Shall we enquire of him in person?”

 

Tony slid one lever from off to on, enjoying the movement as though it were a sexual experience. Rumbling was heard, followed shortly by the crash of a wall crumbling on the upper platform where Dr. Coulson had made his unwilling entrance.

 

“Great Scott!” Thor shouted as his friend rolled down the platform and all the way to Tony, stopping only inches from his body. Tony immediately threw his inappropriately attractive leg up, planting his six inch heel between Phil’s legs. Phil had to admit it had an intimidation factor to it, but it would have been sexier if it had been the Cap. That was his personal opinion though.

 

“Tony Stark,” Coulson said with mild interest. “We meet at last.”

 

Thor marched up to the wheelchair bound man, thrusting out his hand. “Dr. Coulson!”

 

“Thor,” Coulson said with what sounded like genuine surprise as he accepted the hand in a shake. “What are you doing here?”

 

Tony stopped the enthusiastic shaking with a firm press of the handle of his whip. “Don’t play games, Dr. Coulson.You know perfectly well what Thor Odinson is doing here. It was part of your plan, was it not? That he and his fiance should check the layout for you? Well, unfortunately for you all, the plans are to be changed. I hope you’re adaptable, Dr. Coulson. I know Thor is.”

 

Thor barely repressed a smirk, his eyes gleaming and focused solely on Tony.

 

“I can assure you that Thor’s presence comes as a complete surprise to me, though if he is here I assume Steve is as well.” The adulterous lovers exchanged a brief look. “I came here to find Bruce.”

 

The group tensed at the name. Thor spoke up first, saying, “Bruce. I’ve seen him. He’s-”

 

“Brucie?!” Tony interrupted. “What do you know of Brucie?”

 

Coulson shrugged, seemingly unconcerned. “I happen to know a lot about a lot of things. You see, Brucie happens to be my nephew.”

 

Everyone gasped, including the couple in the tank that had been hidden by their substitute blanket. Noticing that they had additional company, Tony tuned to the tank. While Thor was trying to avoid expressing his condolences Tony reached in and pulled the sheet from the entangled couple.

 

More gasps followed when Dr. Coulson shouted, “Steve!”

 

“Dr. Coulson!”

 

“Steve!” Thor yelled.

 

“Thor!” Steve yipped.

 

“Bucky!” Tony exclaimed, earning nothing but a stony stare.

 

Realization struck and Dr. Coulson nearly shrieked, “Steve!”

 

“Dr. Coulson!”

 

“Steve!” Thor yelped.

 

“Thor!” Steve pleaded.

 

“Bucky!” Tony screeched, receiving another stair.

 

“Steve!” Coulson hollered.

 

“Dr. Coulson!” Steve cried.

 

“Steve!” Thor howled.

 

“Thor!” Steve wailed.

 

“Bucky!” Tony demanded, drawing all attention back to himself. “Listen! I made you and I can break you just as easily.”

 

Bucky brows creased when he almost felt a quake of concern ripple through him. Tony might not have actually made him, but he’d made and broken enough things in his life to be an old hand at it. Making those words particularly disconcerting to hear from him. A gong sounded, deafening the audience and the performers alike. Standing on the elevated platform was Natasha, with a scarlet smile on her face and the offending gong in her hands.

 

“Master! Dinner is prepared!”

 

Tony composed himself and said, “Excellent. Under the circumstances, formal dress is to be optional.”

 

The master of the house threw an offended glare at Steve, who looked sheepishly at Bucky, as he marched off. The stage dimmed to black again, the curtains closing to hide the shuffling of the backdrop and props. Fury sat in his plush chair in a far off corner of the stage once again, illuminated by a sole light as he explained the complications of the meal to the audience.

 

“Food has always played a vital role in life’s rituals: The breaking of bread, the last meal of the condemned man and now...this meal. However informal it may appear, there is very little bonhomie.”

 

His light extinguished, the curtains parted and the stage lights revealed a formal dinner setting in an antique but otherwise very classy dining room. The cast was seated around it with Tony at the head in a dazzling black sequin one piece with shoulders so high they nearly reached his ears, flanked by Steve, still mostly naked, and Pepper, in her pajamas, who were seated next to Thor, still in his robe but otherwise mostly naked, and Bucky, who had had little clothing to start with, with Dr. Coulson at the end, still in his wheelchair, where he could be easily observed by his host. Natasha and Clint walked around the table, serving food and pouring wine as haphazardly as they wished, before they placed a roast leg of pork before Tony who proceeded to cut it into mulchy bits with an electric knife.

 

As offended as the audience was by the mutilation of the meat, they could hardly take notice when Romanov was dressed in sheer black lingerie. Clint was pouting at his clothed-ness as they both flanked their master. After their wine had been poured, Bucky lifted his glass in a subtle toast to Steve. Unfortunately for him, it was not subtle enough. When Tony saw the gesture he thrust the buzzing knife at his creation in warning. Bucky immediately put the wine down and looked away.

 

Finishing the carving, Tony turned the knife off and lifted his glass. “A toast. To absent friends.”

 

“To absent friends,” the dinner guests repeated, drinking from their mismatched stemware.

 

“And Bucky,” Tony continued, affixing a paper birthday hat to his head. “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Bucky. Happy birthday to you. Shall we?”

 

Clint passed out the rough slabs of meat and the guests began to tentatively eat. Dr. Coulson coughed to gain Tony’s attention. “We came here to discuss Bruce.”

 

“Brucie!” Pepper shouted and was immediately silenced by another threatening buzz from Tony’s knife.

 

“It’s a rather tender subject,” Tony explained, showing no interest in the subject at all. “Another slice anyone?”

 

There was a clatter of cutlery as utensils were dropped just as the pun landed. Pepper stood and asked to be excused, leaving without waiting for permission. Her wailing was heard from offstage but ignored by all save Coulson who turned to the audience.

 

“I knew he was in a bad crowd but, it was worse than I imagined!” He turned his gaze to Bucky and simply said, “Aliens!”

 

“Dr. Coulson!” Thor and Steve exclaimed.

 

“Go on, Dr. Coulson,” Tony said, “Or should I say Dr. Von Coul!”

 

“Just what exactly are you implying!” Thor demanded, standing from his seat. While Steve and Bucky sat there thinking about the irony.

 

“It’s alright!” shouted Coulson, fidgeting just so. “That’s alright, Thor.”

 

The pluck of a guitar started the rhythm and Coulson began to sing in a monotone of dejection. “From the day he was born he was trouble. He was the thorn in his mother’s side. She tried in vain…”

 

Fury appeared in the pit again, looking disappointed. “But he never caused her nothing but shame.”

 

“He left home the day she died.” The music picked up until it was damn near upbeat but Coulson still didn’t seem perturbed. “From the day she was gone all he wanted was Rock ‘n Roll porn und a motorbike. Shooting down junk…”

 

“He was a low-down cheap little punk!” Fury explained.

 

“Taking everyone for a ride.”

 

A chorus joined in to the sound of a sixties boy band, “When Brucie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid! But when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife-”

 

“What a guy,” Tony said.

 

“Makes you cry,” Steve added.

 

“Und I did,” Coulson sang.

 

Pepper was pushed back onto the stage, lounging mournfully on a lounge chair and clutching a picture one could only assume was of Bruce. “Everybody shoved him. I very nearly loved him. I said, ‘Hey, listen to me. Stay sane inside insanity.’ But he locked the door and threw away the key!”

 

“But he must have been drawn,” Coulson went on, pointing an accusing finger at Tony. “into something. Making him warn me in a note which reads…”

 

“What’s it say? What’s it say?” everyone demanded.

 

Bruce’s voice narrated the note Coulson pulled from his jacket. “I’m out of my head. Oh, hurry, or I may be dead. They mustn’t carry out their evil deeds! AAAHHHH!!!”

 

They cringed at the cry but sang, “When Brucie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid and when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife-”

 

“What a guy!”

 

“Makes you cry.”

 

“Und I did.”

 

“When Brucie said he didn’t like his teddy you knew he was a no-good kid but when he threatened your life with a switchblade knife-”

 

“What a guy,” Tony lamented, as though he might actually miss the musician.

 

“Woe, woe, woe,” they chorused.

 

“Makes you cry,” Steve said, sniffing lightly.

 

“Hey, hey, hey,” they chimed as they took their seats again.

 

“Und I diiiiiiiid.”

 

Tony stood from his chair as the music faded out, grabbed the tablecloth and gave it a fierce tug. Plates and glasses smashed on the floor and Steve screamed as Bruce’s carved body was displayed in glass casket which had been their table. Steve fled to Bucky, who held the startled man.

 

“Oh, Bucky!” Tony shouted again, ripping the paper hat off. “How could you?”

 

He gripped Bucky’s flesh arm, yanking him away from Steve. Steve started to yell but Tony slapped him. The blonde man fled but was pursued by the manic scientist who was pursued by… the rest, except for Clint and Natasha who stood there laughing to each other.

 

Running back and forth across the stage, Tony trapped Steve against a banister and sang, “I’ll tell you once. I won’t tell you twice. Don’t be a robber, Steve Rogers. Your apple pie don’t taste too nice. Don’t be a robber, Steve Rogers.”

 

Steve pretended to knee Tony in the balls, and had been tempted to do it for real once or twice in all honesty, and fled once again. It only too Tony a second to ‘recover,’ continuing his pursuit. After the actors had fled the stage, it turned to reveal the lab on its other side. Steve ran in, followed shortly by Tony.

 

“I’ve laid the seed. It should be all you need. You’re as sensual as a pencil. Wound up like an E or first string. When we made it, did you hear a bell ring? You got a block? Well take my advice, don’t be a robber, Steve Rogers.”

 

He slid past Steve on his heals, somehow, even he wasn’t sure how physics worked that one out. Thor pulled Dr. Coulson through the elevator door just as Tony had reached the control panel.

 

“The transducer will seduce ya!” He yelled as he threw a leaver, smirking like the mad scientist he was.

 

Everyone’s feet froze in place. Steve yelled, “My feet! I can’t move my feet!”

 

“My wheels!” Coulson yelled. “My god, I can’t move my wheels!”

 

“It’s as if we’re glued to the spot!” Thor exclaimed.

 

“You are!” Tony exclaimed in triumph, hands on hips. “So quake with fear you tiny fools.”

 

“We’re trapped,” Steve said, hand to head in dramatic appeal.

 

“It’s something you’ll get used to. A mental mind fuck can be nice.”

 

“No!”

 

“You won’t find Earth people quite the easy mark you imagined,” Coulson warned, watching Natasha, Clint, Pepper, and Bucky all emerge from the hole he had created earlier. “This sonic transducer, it is I suppose, some kind of audio-vibratory physiomolecular transport device?”

 

“You mean-!” Thor exclaimed, as though he understood what any of that was supposed to mean. If it could actually mean anything at all.

 

“Yes, Thor. It’s something we ourselves have been working on for quite some time. But it seems our friend here has found some means of perfecting it.” Tony preened from his seat on the edge of the tank. “A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter and then projecting it through space, and who knows perhaps even time itself.”

 

Steve reached over, gripping Coulson’s shoulder. “You mean he’s going to send us to another planet?”

 

“Planet schmanet,” Tony shouted as he jumped from his perch. Prodding and rubbing himself against Steven. “You shouldn’t have been a robber, Steve Rogers. You’d better wise up, build your thighs up. You shouldn’t have been a robber-”

 

Fury sprang up from the pit. “Then he cried out!”

 

“STOP!”

 

Steve pushed Tony away, knocking him against the board. He was quick to recover, smirking even more. “Don’t get hot and flustered. Use a bit of mustard.”

 

“You’re a lark,” Thor sang, his fists quaking. “But don’t you hurt ‘im, Tony Stark.”

 

Natasha had descended from the gallery to throw a switch, the lights blinked on and off and Thor stood frozen as a marble statue.

 

Coulson pointed his finger at the man in heels, singing, “You’re a lark, but you’d better not try to hurt ‘im, Tony Stark.”

 

The light blinked, Coulson froze as well.

 

Steve gripped his hair in distress. “You’re a shark!”

 

The light blinked and Steven was frozen.

 

Pepper approached, looking at the living statues around her. “My god! I can’t stand any more of this. First, you spurn me for Brucie, then you toss him like an old coat for Bucky. You chew people up and then you spit them out again. I loved you.” She said, looking at Tony for any kind of reaction and getting nothing. “Do you hear me? I loved you! And what did it get me? Yeah, I’ll tell ya, a bit nothing! You’re like a sponge. You drain others of their love and emotion. Well, I’ve had enough. Choose between me and Bucky, so named because of the only thing you made him for.”

 

Tony looked from Pepper to Nat and gave a nod. Blink. Stone.

 

He looked down regrettably, then back to the audience. “It’s not easy having a good time.”

 

His eyes flitted up to the gallery where Bucky was standing, staring blankly at the scene below. His character was basically a brick already but true to the story, Natasha flipped the handle one more time. Blink. Stone.

 

Tony looked at the audience. “Even smiling makes my face ache.”

 

He bit his finger, walking to the door that had once concealed Bruce. He leaned against it in exhaustion, standing next to his servants. “And my children turn on me. Bucky’s behaving just the way Brucie did. Maybe I made a mistake.”

 

“I grow weary of this world!” Natasha shouted at him, revealing an emotion. “When shall we return to Transylvania?!”

 

Clint stroked her arm with his finger, a small soothing gesture. Tony looked at them. “Natasha, I am deeply grateful to both you and your brother, Clint. You have both served me well. Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded. You’ll discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous.”

 

“I ask for nothing,...Master.”

 

“And you shall receive it in abundance!” He shouted, marching away. “Come. We are ready for the floor show!”

 

When he was gone, Clint took his sister in hand. He lead her to the middle of the room where they engaged in some very racy elbow sex before he lead her away.

 

The curtains closed, Fury stood on his stand among the pit. “And so, by some extraordinary coincidence fate, it seemed, had decided that Thor and Steven should keep that appointment with their friend Dr. Phil Coulson. But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen. And just a few hours after announcing their engagement Thor and Steven had both tasted forbidden fruit. This in itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals and some persuasion. What further indignities were they to be subjected to? And what of that floorshow that had been spoken of? In an empty house? In the middle of the night? What diabolical plan had seized Tony’s crazed imagination? What indeed. From what had gone before, it was clear that this was to be no picnic.”

 

The curtains swung open, revealing the cast in corsets, panties, and fishnets. The clothing was more than some had had all night but still left very little to be curious about. To be clear, there wasn’t much that was little going on on that stage. This was a big production after all. Tony flew from one prone figure to the next while a guitar played, adjusting boas, applying makeup that made them look as if they were wearing masks. Tony himself looked frazzled. His hair was pulled into a knot on top of his head, his makeup was smeared a little. A pink butterfly robe clung to his shoulders.

 

After a final fluff of Thor’s boa, Tony stalked to the far left of the stage and threw a nondescript red lever. The lights blinked out again and Pepper was flesh again. The band joined in. She gave a little dip and began playing with her boa and sang.

 

“It was great when it all began. I was a regular Tony fan. But it was over when he had the plan to start a-workin’ on a muscle man.” She danced for the audience who was beyond the point of help. They all lay back in their seats and did their best to focus on the show. “Now the only thing that gives me hope, is my love of a certain dope. Rose tint my world, keep me safe from trouble and pain.”

 

Tony threw the switch again, while Pepper didn’t turn back into stone she did freeze where she stood, her back to the audience, as the lights went out and returned to illuminate Bucky who finally opened his mouth and sang, “I’m just seven hours old, truly beautiful to behold. And somebody should be told, my labido hasn’t been controled.”

 

He gave the audience a thrust of his hips. It was in this moment that they realized how fortunate they had been to be exposed to the rest of the production that had come before, for certainly, if they had not been desensitized to some degree, they would have fainted clear away. As it was, they gripped their seats and simply shifted.

 

“Now the only thing I’ve come to trust is an orgasmic rush of lust.” His boa wove under one leg so it was straddled comfortably between his thighs. “Rose tints my world, keeps me safe from my troubles and pain.”

 

He pulled it back up and wrapped it around himself as Tony flipped the lever. Bucky froze and the lights now showed Thor, who despite all of his enthusiasm truly could not learn how to walk in heels. Which worked fine for this particular scene. He stumbled forward. “It’s beyond me. Help me, mommy. I’ll be good, you’ll see. Take this dream away-ay-ay-ay-ay. What’s this? Let’s see. I feel sexy.”

 

He flung himself to the ground, lifted a leg and slowly ran his hand up and down it. He stood, stumbling once again. “What’s come over me? WHOO! Here it comes again!”

 

Lights blink and Steve moves from his froze stance, tilting his head from side to side as his fingers ran through his hair and he gave a moan.

 

“Oh, I feel released. Bad times deceased. My confidence has increased.” He rolled his hips. “Reality is here. The game has been disbanded, my mind has been expanded. It’s a gas that Tony’s landed. His lust is so sincere.”

 

He gave a kiss to the audience and stood still with the others as the drums started to roll and the pale curtain behind them rose. Tony stood center, a metal tower behind him. His corset and gloves were now red and gold, which fit his personal aesthetic perfectly. His makeup was no longer smeared but perfect and his hair was still wild but not a mess. He looked at the audience and fog rolled across the stage. A spotlight flew on and he sang.

 

“Whatever happened to Fay Wray? That delicate, satin-draped frame. How it clung to her thigh. How I started to cry. ‘Cause I wanted to be dressed just the same. Give yourself over to absolute pleasure.” A hand ran from his left shoulder to his right hip. “Swim the warm waters of the sins of the flesh. Erotic nightmares beyond any measure and sensual daydreams to treasure forever. Can’t you just see it? Whoa-oh-oh. OH!”   
  
He wrapped his arms around himself then slowly dropped them to his side, imploring the audience.

 

“Don’t dream it. Be it. Don’t dream it. Be it. Don’t dream it. Be it.”

 

The other performers joined in as a chorus to his diadem and congregating at his feet as though he were their new holy savior. They touched him and each other, their hands running up and down his legs and stomach and chest. Each other’s legs and stomachs and bodies. They kissed and groped in a languid haze of lust. Writhing at the feet of their new messiah.

 

The switch fell, as though by accident and Coulson rolled out onto the stage. “Ah! We’ve got to get out of this trap! Before this decadence saps our wills. I’ve got to be strong and try to hang on. Or else my mind may well snap and my life may be lived for the thrills!”

 

He sang out high and long as he lifted a netted and heeled leg from under the blanket that lay over his lap and began to stroke it. Proving that he too, was caught up in the scientist’s nefarious love spell.

 

Thor pulled himself up. “It’s beyond me. Help me, Mommy!”

 

Pepper dragged herself up his body to give him a smooch.

 

Steve sang, “God bless, Lilly St. Cyr.”

 

Tony stood, throwing up his arms. “MY, MY, MY, MY, MY, MY, MY, MY, MY, My, I’m a wild and an untamed thing! I’m a bee with a deadly sting! You got a hit and you mind go ping! Your heart’ll pump and your blood will sing! So let the party and the sound rock on! We’re gonna shake it till the life has gone!”

 

He moved his hips and shook his arms in a motion that clearly indicated a certain kind of ‘shaking.’ “Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain!”

 

Everyone stood, flanking Tony as they all sang and kicked and danced, fully embracing their fully realized, devious natures. Even Coulson rolled back and forth across the stage, kicking up his leg.

 

“We’re a wild and an untamed thing. We’re a bee with a deadly sting. You got a hit and your mind goes ping! Your heart will pump and your blood will sing! So let the party and the sound rock on! We’re gonna shake it till the life has gone! Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my troubles and pain.”

 

They sang and danced across the stage so joyously it was honestly sad to see them stop in confused fear when, from behind the audience, a spotlight showed a door open to reveal Clint and Natasha in strange ‘alien’ dress. The audience turned to stair. Their skirts so very very short. Their shoulder pads more like wings. Their hair. Oh, the hair. While there was little to be done with Clint’s short strands, gelled into a spike, Natasha’s lovely hair had been brushed out into a towering hive.

 

“Tony-E-Stark, it’s all over. Your mission is a failure.” Clint raised a strange gun, pointing at the dancers. “Your lifestyle’s too extreme. I’m your new commander! You now are my prisoner! We return to Transylvania. Prepare the transit beam!”

 

Natasha turned to do as her brother told her. Tony shouted, “WAIT!”

 

They stopped, looking at him. “I can explain.”

 

They look at each other, smile, and look back at him. Waiting for what they know will not come. Tony looks panicked, turning to his creation and his groupie. He gestures and whispers in their ears. Pepper runs off to the side of the stage and wheels out a can light. She turns it on and points it at Tony who covers his face with his hands. Bucky runs off stage, then back to the group of huddled guests who look at Tony as the piano begins and they sing for him.

 

“On the day I went away.” He sang, lowered his hands to clutch them in front of his body.

 

The guests sang a chorus of, “Good-bye.”

 

“Was all I had to say.”

 

“Now, I…”

 

“I want to come again and stay.”

 

“Oh, my, my…”

 

“Smile and that will mean that I may. ‘Cause I’ve seen, oh, blue skies! Through the tears. In my eyes.”

A scarf flew out from nowhere, which Tony plucked from the air to wrap around himself like a blanket. The siblings seemed unmoved even as Tony continued his song.

 

“And I realized, I’m going home.”

 

“ _I’m going home._ ”

 

“Everywhere it’s been the same.”

 

“ _Feeling._ ”

 

“Like I’m outside in the rain.”

 

“ _Wheeling._ ”

 

“Free to try and find a game.” He began dealing imaginary cards sorrowfully. “Cards for sorrow. Cards for pain. ‘Cause I’ve seen, oh, blue skies through the tears in my eyes. And I realize I’m going home. I’m going home.”

 

He stretched out his arms, still clutching the scarf which draped behind him as though it were wings. “I’m going home.”

 

The crowd cheer. Clapping for real, some calling out ‘bravo’ because they knew they should. Once they had quieted a bit Natasha and Clint stepped forward, approaching the stage.

 

“How sentimental,” she said in her thick, fake accent.

 

“And also presumptuous of you,” Clint remarked, still pointing the gun at Tony. “You see, when I said we were to return to Transylvania, I referred only to Natasha and myself. I’m sorry, however, if you found my words misleading but, you see, are to remain here. In spirit, anyway.”

 

Tony backed away, falling to the floor as the two climbed the stairs and stood on the stage, towering over him.

 

“Great heavens. That’s a laser,” Dr. Coulson whispers to Thor and Steve.

 

“Yes, Dr. Coulson. A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure antimatter.”

 

“You mean, you’re going to kill him?” Thor asked. “What’s his crime?”

 

“You saw what became to Brucie. Society must be protected,” Dr. Coulson explained.

 

“Exactly, Dr. Coulson,” Clint said. “And now, Tony E. Stark, your time has come. Say goodbye to all of ...this, and hello to oblivion.”

 

Tony stood, appearing to intend to save some of his dignity. As Clint was about to shoot, Pepper screamed. He turned and shot her instead. A sound of wibbly wobbly zapping was heard and she fell to the ground, dead.

 

Seeing her fall, Tony began muttering ‘no’ over and over, skirting backward. Clint turned back to him and approached menacingly. When Tony finally gripped the curtain behind him, Clint shot and he fell to the floor.

 

Steve screamed out, “No!”

 

Bucky groaned, rushing to his creator. He cradled the man in his arms. Consumed momentarily by grief, before turning in rage toward the siblings that had taken one of the few things he had. Seeing Bucky’s murderous face, Clint didn’t hesitate and fired off the laser again. Lights flashed over him and Bucky slumped over his creator.

 

As she viewed the carnage her brother had wrought, Natasha glanced at him, her eyebrow raised. “I thought you liked them. They liked you.”

 

“They didn’t like me!” Clint shouted, “No one ever liked me! You saw the way things were. The way they were going.”

 

“You did right!” Dr. Coulson shouted to the alien.

 

“You should leave now, Dr. Coulson. While it’s still possible, we’re about to beam the entire house back to Transexual in the galaxy of Transylvania. Go now,” Clint warned, whispering his final farewell.

 

Steve and Thor scrambled up from the floor, fleeing the stage with Dr. Coulson in tow.

 

“Our noble mission is almost complete, my most beautiful sister, and soon we shall return to the moon drenched shores of our beloved planet,” Clint said, approaching Natasha.

 

“Ah, sweet transexual land of night. To sing and dance once more to your dark refrain.” Natasha stepped closer to her partner as they turned to each other.

 

“Activate the transient crystals!” he shouted. Lights flashed and smoke filled the stage.

 

Then, almost predictably, there was the sound of cement cracking, debri started to rain down from the ceiling, the audience gasped and shifted in their seats and the actors skittered away from the falling ceiling, the orchestra suddenly stopped. The dust began to swirl around a descending figure draped in a long cloak with large gleaming horns on his head.

 

As Loki’s feet touched the stage and the smoke cleared, The Avengers clustered around him in their selective fighting stances. His bright eyes glided over the cast until he saw the blonde tower of muscle.

 

“Well, it has been quite a while since I’ve seen you dress in such a fashion, brother. Have you shared that particularly story with your friends? I always found it hilarious.”

 

“Loki!” Thor shouted threateningly.

 

“Perhaps later, I’ve come to pick up where we left off. Though I had hoped for an advantage, I hadn’t thought I would find you all so… vulnerable.” He smirked at their heels and minimal clothing. As he raised his hand above his head to the height of those preposterous, operatic horns, Rhodey grabbed his wrist in his metal clad hand and flew up and out the hole Loki had just created.

 

Sam followed close behind, flying up and out as he shouted back, “We got it!”

 

Tony saw Peter making excuses to his date, shuffling past the other audience members who had yet to stop watching them even to flee. Tony stepped forward, gesturing to the pit orchestra who quickly if somewhat chaotically picked up the music once again. Tony skittered into line with the other performers, standing on chunks of metal and cement.

 

They grasped hands and Thor sang out, “I’ve done a lot. God knows I’ve tried to find the truth, I’ve even lied, but all I know is doubt inside. I’m bleeding.”

 

Steve looked up to the ceiling then back at the audience, “And superheros come to feed, to taste the flesh of your disease, and all I know is still the beast is feeding.”

 

“And crawling on the planet’s face.” Fury said in his booming voice, “some insects called, the human race, lost in time and lost in space and meaning.”

 

They bowed and the crowd surged up in their applause. Their cries were deafening. The curtains would not draw with the mess on stage but the show was without a doubt, a success.

 

**_The Bucky Horror Show_ **

 

**_Starring Tony Stark as Dr. Tony E. Stark (A Scientist)_ **

 

**_Steven Rogers as Steve Rogers (A Heroine)_ **

 

**_Thor as Thor Odinson (A Hero)_ **

 

**_Clint Barton as Clint (A Handyman)_ **

 

**_Natasha Romanov as Natasha (A Domestic)_ **

 

**_Pepper Potts as Pepper (A Groupie)_ **

 

**_Bruce Banner as Brucie (A Delivery Boy)_ **

 

**_Phil Coulson as Dr. Phillip Coulson (A Rival Scientist)_ **

 

**_James Barnes as Bucky (A Creation)_ **

 

**_& Nicolas Fury as The Criminologist (An Expert)_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it. If you want something similar, I'm thinking of doing a CLUE version for next year. Sussiekitten and DrOlShakes, I hope you loved it. You were both a big help in making this a reality.


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